Bark + Bite ponders the 2009 Presidential Inauguration

It's been one heck of a campaign, hasn't it? During the presidential campaign this year, we've been inundated and hit with questions about what our next president will do once he (or she) gets into office next January. Will they be able to fix our broken health care system? Can they boost our sagging economy? Will we finally be able to put the Iraq War behind us?

These questions are all fine and dandy, but I'm more concerned about the inaugural celebrations. (Parrrrr-tay!) Who will perform at the 2009 Presidential Inauguration? Will there be chicken wings? What will Barney the dog wear on his last day in the White House? The public has a right to know.

In 2005, when George W. Bush was inaugurated for the second time, he spent a whopping $30 million on the whole shebang. And man, did he bring out the big stars for the occasion! Hillary Duff, Three Doors Down and Ruben Studdard all performed at his "America's Future Rocks" concert, and in 2001, Bush had Destiny's Child and Lee Ann Womack. Say what you want; Bush may not know how to run the country, but he sure knows how to put on a party.

So that got me thinking, who would, or should rather, perform at the inaugural ceremonies of our respective presidential candidates. Let's get hypothetical, shall we?

Hillary Clinton & Beyonce

Why?: Even though Beyonce already played at Bush's inauguration in 2000, she's the absolute perfect fit for a Hillary Clinton inauguration. The two divas are known for being strong, persistent and independent. (Read: Bitches on wheels) It's a female thang and Beyonce will bring down the house her high-energy performance. Just be sure to keep her away from Bill "Sticky Fingers" Clinton. Beyonce's thighs are like honey and Bill Clinton's just a big ol' pooh bear, y'all.

Set list:

"Freakum Dress" (The Pantsuit Remix)

Sample lyrics:
I think I’m ready
Been locked up in the house way too long,
It’s time to get it,
Cause once again he’s out doing wrong,
And my girls are so real,
Said it’s been a minute since I had some
He’s been acting up, but he won’t be the only one

"Ring The Alarm"

Sample lyrics:

Ring the alarm
I been through this too long
But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm
Won't you ring the alarm
I been through this too long

"Independent Women" (2009 Inauguration mix)

Sample lyrics:

Question: Tell me what you think about me
I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely
When it's all over please get up and leave
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Try to control me boy you get dismissed

Barack Obama & Kanye West

Why?: Unlike Kanye West, Barack Obama is a modest and very humble man. Kanye, as we know, is an ego maniac, but he's also a genius. What the two do share in common is a strong passion for what they believe in and their undisputed rock star status. These guys can pack a stadium! And, they both know the pain of losing their mothers, which presents Kanye with the perfect opportunity to perform his tear-jerker "Hey Mama," with images of his mom and Barack's white mother playing as a backdrop. Break out the hankies, y'all.

Set list:

"Stronger"

Sample lyrics:

Now tha-tha-that don't kill me

Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
Cause I can't wait much longer

"Can't Tell Me Nothing'" (Hillary's a hater remix)

Sample lyrics:

Excuse Me, is you saying something?
Uh, uh, you can't tell me nothing
(Ha ha) you can't tell me nothing
Uh, uh, you can't tell me nothing

"Hey Mama" (Black or White remix)

Sample lyrics:

Forrest Gump mama said, life is like a box of chocolates
My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate
Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with
But still supported me when I did the opposite
Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do, just to prove to you
You was getting through

John McCain & Akon

Why?: John McCain is a friend of immigrants, my friends. He was one of the authors of the Amnesty bill that Congress tried to squeeze in under the radar, and boy did THAT get the natives angry. The bill caused a furor once the media got a hold of it, which was followed by the quick death of the bill, leaving the status of millions of illegal immigrants up in the air. While Akon isn't an illegal immigrant, he is a convict. And like John McCain, Akon has a BAD TEMPER. Akon was all over YouTube for losing his cool at a concert and throwing a guy into the crowd. And John McCain's temper is famous nationwide, it's even alleged that he called his wife a c*nt! Akon and John McCain would be a perfect match and Akon could even dedicate "Don't Matter" to all the naysayers who criticized John McCain for abandoning his first wife, while she was ill, in favor of the much hotter, blonder and younger Cindy McCain. Wave your hands in the air, y'all.

Set list:

"Soul Survivor" (I'm still here, bitches mix)

Sample lyrics:

If you lookin' for me I'll be on the block
With my thang cocked possibly sittin' on a drop (Now)
Cause I'm a rider (Yeah)
I'm just a Soul Survivor (Yeah)
Cause er'body know the game don't stop
Tryin' to make it to the top before your ass get popped (Now)
If you a rider (Yeah)
Or just a Soul Survivor

"Smack That" (The Viagra mix)

Sample lyrics:

Smack that, all on the floor,
Smack that, give me some more,
Smack that, 'til you get sore
Smack that, oooh.
Smack that, all on the floor,
Smack that, give me some more,
Smack that, 'til you get sore,
Smack that, oooh.

"Don't Matter" (Cindy's my baby remix)

Sample lyrics:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
(Cause I got you, babe)
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
(Cause I got you, babe)
'Cause we gon fight
Oh yes we gon fight
Believe we gon fight
(We gon fight)
Fight for our right to love yeah

Comments

[Nana]

Oh my God! this is the best blog ever..soo funny!

[marlene Cohen]

good stuff!

[marlene cohen]

go to http://www.cafepress.com/09_inauguration for fun stuff!