Photo credit: ABC.com
Oops! She did it again. No, not Britney Spears. It's Taylor Swift, the wounded little white rabbit that Kanye West turned into a martyr at the VMAs in September. She ran away with the whole kit and kaboodle last night at the American Music Awards scooping up five awards. The "Teardrops On My Guitar" singer even walked away with Artist of the Year, beating out Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga. Where's Kanye West when you need him?
But like many award shows, the AMAs is less about who won what, and much more about who performed what. And the AMAs aimed to give the viewers as much bang for their buck as they possibly could, squeezing in a whopping 17 performances in three hours. Why doesn't Dick Clark Productions just put on a massive concert and spare us all the pitter patter of announcing awards next year?
Here's the breakdown of what went right and what went wrong at the 2009 AMAs.
Miss Nasty has become Miss Bland
The opening performance for Janet Jackson was a let down. Plain and simple. Janet came out dressed like an Alaskan huntress (watch out Sarah Palin) and ran through her catalogue, throwing her new single "Make Me" in the mix. It was all uninspired and Janet failed to really titillate the audience at any point during the performance. Yes, it's remarkable that she's 40 and still able to move like that but there was no story, no momentum to her performance. Where's the beef, Janet?
Jennifer Lopez broke her tailbone instead of her leg
Poor Jennifer Lopez. Her tumble was not what she wanted everyone to be talking about the morning after her aggressive "comeback" relaunch with her new single "Louboutins." The former Fly Girl took a dive after hopping off of the back of her boxer-costumed dancers and fell smack on her bottom. Being the professional that she is, she quickly recovered and rolled right into her dance break. But it was too late, the Internetz got to tweeting and gifing and J.Lo was now the butt of every joke. Aside from the slip and slide, this was one of J.Lo's better performances. Truth be told, she had more energy and zing in her performance than Janet did, although the theme that she is the "champ" of anything in music is eyebrow-raising and scoffworthy. J.Lo borrowed liberally from Beyonce, donning a very Sasha Fierce-like gladiator skirt at the end, but the walk-out exit was a snappy "eat this" way to finish the performance.
Step away from the pancakes, Timbaland
Timbaland is a mastermind producer and few in the industry have seen his longevity. His last album "Shock Value" produced the monster hit "The Way I Are" and had artists across all genres clamoring for a feature. Now Timbaland is back with "Shock Value II" and his "Twilight"-inspired single "Morning After Dark." The album is a great idea, on records Tim can spin his magic. Onstage, it's a nightmare. Timbaland stuffed himself into too-small leather pants and a snug leather jacket. He looked a cross between the Incredible Bulk and the Michelin Man as he moseyed around onstage, leaving his new dynamo SoShy to carry the weight of the performance on her eye-popping dress and shoulders. Nelly Furtado came out turned the energy up for a minute, but even she couldn't save this awkward two-step of a performance.
Rihanna is out of this world
It's full steam ahead with the Rated R robo theme. Rihanna opened up her performance with the brilliant "Mad House" intro (this needs to be a FULL SONG!) while a video of her being put together as some sort of android played. In a sign that Rihanna and her label have given up on "Russian Roulette," she performed a medley of "Wait Your Turn" and "Hard," forgoing the violence-tinged first single. Rihanna's dress was straight out of the Fifth Element, a stark all-white number with straps in all the necessary places. If mummies wanted to be sexy, this is what they'd order from Victoria's Secret. The stage props on the show carried Rihanna. She was strapped to a gigantic metal X and her shoulder pads shot lasers out of them, but again, Rihanna did little more than saunter around onstage. She needs to loosen up and throw herself completely into the performance and break through her ice wall.
Lady Gaga is too hot to touch
Lady Gaga was the woman of the hour and the most anticipated performance of the evening. After her bloodbath at the VMAs, people were expecting Gaga to bring on the watercooler moment of the night and she did. Gaga clawed her way around onstage with her dancers in a nude-colored outfit lined with bones for "Bad Romance." Gaga's laser-like focus was apparent and she sliced through the choreography like a hot knife in butter. But when she slowed things down for her new ballad, "Speechless," that's when she really turned up the heat. After smashing her way into a glass cube housing her piano, Gaga sat down to play and the whole thing lit up in flames. As Gaga pounded away on the keys, she broke liquor bottles on the instrument, proving once again who runs this town. Gaga is a rare showstopper, marrying entertaining theatrics with raw talent. Take notes, Rihanna.
Double dose of Alicia
No fair, AMAs. Alicia Keys got to go twice last night. First, she belted out her duet with Jay-Z in a very Rat Pack-inspired version of their chart topping single, "Empire State of Mind." Alicia and Jay were able to rouse the crowd of Angelenos to their feet for a song about New York. Who'd a thunk? (Suge Knight was noticeably absent) They even got celebrity blogger Perez Hilton singing along. Then, Alicia went and dug out a Mad Max-style gold-chained jacket for her very Prince-inspired "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart." The superhero theme was carried through from the video and she married it strangely with a wall routine with female dancers that was reminiscent of Beyonce's "Uh oh" scene in the "Crazy In Love" video. Alicia even dropped down and p-popped that thang with the butterfly. Who says that just because Alicia's behind the piano that she ain't got some Sasha Fierce in her? But then again, Mashonda already knew that side of her. A lot of people have criticized Alicia for throwing in some dance moves, but it worked for the most part. The only thing that seemed out of place was the homeless-looking dude doing the matrix and spazzing out all over Alicia onstage. If he was trying to be Multiple Man, it was failing.
The Black Eyed Peas can't stop, won't stop
If any band is having the best year ever, it's gotta be the Black Eyed Peas. They won an award last night for Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group and performed a medley of "Meet Me Halfway" and "Boom Boom Pow." Fergie left her Elf Princess headdress home this time for "Meet Me Halfway" but Will.I.Am decided to throw on a James Brown wig, leaving some people to wonder if animal control needed to be called to apprehend the creature on his head. Ugly hair system aside, the Black Eyed Peas rocked the house, mixing up their hits with break beats and dance breaks that got the crowd hyped. Look, your mom loves them, stop fighting it.
Everything else that was noteworthy
Kelly Clarkson looked like an old lady last night, but she sang her heart out. Carrie Underwood got a little pop-inspired for her country hoedown and Mary J. Blige turned in a respectable but routine performance. Whitney Houston, playing on the crowd's sympathy and nostalgia, got more love than she should've for her audibly shaky performance. Shakira must've joined a black sorority and forgot to tell somebody because she filled the arena with black female steppers for her live performance of "Give It Up To Me." The black power fist was even perplexingly also flashing in the background on screens.
And last but not least, Adam Lambert blew it. Not knowing how to dance the line between provocative and ridiculous, Adam face planted into the latter, rubbing his crotch on anything with a pulse, pantomiming oral sex and making out with a guy in a blatant ploy for press and shock value. In reality though, the pedestal Lambert was placed on was way too big and way too soon. "For Your Entertainment" isn't that great of a song and his attempt to be the male Lady Gaga doesn't work largely because Adam doesn't own it. If you're gonna give us flamboyance, you've got to sell it. And right now, Adam's having trouble moving merchandise.
