Jermaine Jackson is determined, at all costs, to be a star. He has faced, and somewhat accepted, the reality that he is currently viewed with any kind of interest by the public solely because of his links to his late brother Michael and the Jackson 5 legacy. But Jermaine is determined to let his magic shine through somehow, someway. Enter his latest Trojan horse, The Jackson: A Family Dynasty. As always, Jermaine cloaks his ambitions under the guise of "doing it for the family" but this is the Jermaine show and the debut episode gave the clay-faced Jackson brother plenty of time on the center stage.
Jermaine dropped hints throughout the show that his songs should be used for the new J5 album. While working on a new song, Jermaine badgered and argued with his brothers in the recording booth until eventually he was the only one in the booth, recording the vocals for one of their songs solo. Tito declared Jermaine's solo vocals a smash and the two of them walked out patting each other on the back. Jackie and Marlon weren't so amused and had the engineer erase the vocals which left Jermaine was hotter than an active volcano and stomping his feet like Angelica from "Rugrats." His brothers deleted HIS VOCALS! Jermaine's wife Halima, who looks like the inspiration for Jasmine from Disney's 'Aladdin,' tried to smooth things over with him at home, but there was no soothing that bruised ego of his. How dare they.
Below are the top five most hilarious moments from the premiere of The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty.
1. Jermaine Jackson boohooing with his brothers about having to split with his brothers after they ditched Motown for CBS. If any of you have watched that Jackson Family TV movie, you're familiar with this story. Joseph presents a newlywed Jermaine with a contract for CBS that his brothers have signed. Jermaine panics and in an oath of loyalty to Motown, refuses to sign the contract, effectively leaving the Jackson 5. In a scene in the reality show, Jermaine, through tears of sorrow, professes his anguish and pain to his brothers some 35 years later and when his brothers comment that they just assumed the reason he stuck with Motown was because he was married to Hazel, Berry Gordy's daughter, Jermaine snaps back, "It wasn't!" A teary-eyed performance that any soap opera could be proud of.
2. The return of 3T! Aw baby, where have the three gifted musician offspring of Tito Jackson BEEN all these years? If you believe Tito, they've been a smash success across Europe. What part of Europe, exactly? Bulgaria? Albania? Estonia? Who knows. But they're superstars over there, best believe it. Taj looks exactly like his father, just lighter and with Brandy's 1996 braids.
3. The way they cover up the debacle that was the Vienna tribute concert. When you get to executive produce your own reality show, you have say over how the story is told. And so Jermaine throws up a mish mash of clips from the proposed Vienna concert, including footage of him reading the acts that he has booked for the show such as Mary J. Blige, Whitney Houston and Chris Brown. Of course none of them ever really signed on to the concert and in a scene with Jermaine and his wife in their backyard after the whole thing implodes, he blames the mix-up on an "agent" telling them acts were confirmed when they weren't. This might fly if Jermaine hadn't instructed his wife to "book talent" and to get around the PR people and managers in footage aired earlier in the show. So the "agent" was his wife and Jermaine was purposely trying to avoid going through the official channels cause he knew he'd get shut down, but he needed to use their names for publicity. Snake.
4. Jermaine Jackson's very own Jasmine from Agrabah, Halima. In case any of you were keeping count, Halima is technically Jermaine's second wife, since he never wedded Margaret Maldonaldo and his younger brother's ex-wife Alejandra, both of whom bore children for him. But the "love" between Halima comes across as the most distant and forced-looking relationship onscreen since...well, Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson. Jermaine goes about ordering Halima to book his flights and manage his schedule, all while Halima stirs him tea, rubs his shoulders and gently reminds him that she's also his wife, not just his employee. Halima seems like a trooper, but boy did she marry the wrong Jackson.
5. Marlon and Jackie's record store trip and the girl named Tuna. Whoever decided to write this scene in the script couldn't have predicted this oddity would be thrown into the mix. In a supposed effort to research producers for the upcoming Jackson 5 album, Marlon and Jackie head to a record store, looking at the backs of CDs to pull together a list. They come up with the usual suspects, Timbaland and other superproducers, making the trip utterly pointless. Then they wander around to the Jackson section of the record store and like Narcissus staring at his own reflection in the pool, the Jacksons fawn over their past catalogue of success. As they're enjoying this trip down memory lane, a fan by the name of TUNA giddily comes up to them and asks them for their autograph. Marlon is taken aback by the name and asks, "Tuna? Like the fish?" and the girl nods her head. God bless the children, Lord.
