Bark + Bite

Octuplets' childhood just got more awkward

The story of everybody's favorite nauseating octuplet mom (I wish ALL octuplet baby-breeders were considered this nauseating, to be honest) is, um, even more vomit-inducing these days.

Yeah, word is Nadya Suleman, the woman who pumped out eight pups from her womb last month, is being offered a cool, hard $1 mill to star in a hard-core porno flick by Vivid Entertainment. That and free health insurance for mom and the 14 kids in total.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow?

You know what's sad? Is if she made this choice as a way to redeem herself in the public eye. You know shit is bad when being a single unemployed mom with 14 kids is LESS acceptable to the public than having the world see you star in the "The Expert Guide To Anal Sex." (That's a real Vivid Entertainment movie, by the way.) Hey, if Miss USA thought it was a good idea, why not Nadya?

As if female objectification wasn't enough... If you haven't thrown up in your mouth a little by now, just think of those stretch marks. Or you can just look at them here.

They aren't kiddin' when they say there's a market for EVERYTHING. Damn.

--The Elahater

Papa Usher

Usher's music career may be losing some of its luster, but by all appearances, he's a super dad. Usher is on the cover of this month's Essence magazine debuting his infant son Usher V, or Cinco as he calls him. Take a look at some behind-the-scenes footage and an interview with Ursh at the photo shoot from TV Guide.

As a young father myself, I'm happy to see Usher relishing his role as a father and promoting fatherhood to his impressionable fans. (Ain't no babydaddy syndrome going on here.) Especially considering his own father wasn't there for him growing up. Kudos to Papa Usher. Now if he could record some music that people would actually want to listen to, we'd be good....

Angelina Jolie speaks on 'creative' sex and life with Brad

As with all things Brangelina, we must dissect, analyze and ponder over every (insightful, life-changing) word that either of them utter. Their union after all, was a union of deities. As far as celebrity couples go, Brangelina is it. They're the top. The creme de la creme. You get the picture.

Anyway, Angelina did a recent interview with "Entertainment Weekly" and she had some "shocking" revelations:

1) Sex while pregnant means you have to be more creative, because the woman is "round" and "full."

2) She and Brad are legally tied to the children and thus, feel no urgent reason to legally marry.

3) Her and Brad were surprised to learn that they were expecting twins

4) Angelina hates Jennifer Aniston's guts and wants to shit on her horseface.

Sike. I'm joking about #4. But I'm sure Angelina wouldn't mind rubbing Aniston's face in some horse manure just for fun.

Watch this clip from CBS about Angie's EW interview.

Beckhams: Ready, set, reproduce!

David Beckham appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show today and they brought up the usual: Posh Spice, the Armani undies ad and whether or not they'd be producing anymore offspring.

Beckham sheepishly grinned and said, "We're working on it." I'm still stunned that someone like Victoria Beckham, who is at least 65 percent plastic, can reproduce and grow life. Amazing. Who says humans and aliens can't co-exist?

Watch the clip below.

Ashlee Simpson gets snappy about pregnancy hoopla

The buzz around town on every blog and gossip rag is that Ashlee Simpson is not only engaged to Fall Out Boy Bassist Pete Wentz, but that she's also having his baby. Apparently, EVERYONE is absolutely dying to know whether or not she's pregnant and Ashlee is following the standard celebrity pregnancy rumor strategy: Deny, dodge and act indignant.

When an MTV reporter sat down with Ms. Simpson and brought up the subject of her rumored pregnancy, Ashlee went into ninja mode and cut daggers at the reporter with her eyes. Then, Ashlee went to "shame" the reporter, and calling it "an inappropriate question." Judging by Ashlee's response you'd think the reporter asked her if she and Pete enjoyed golden showers. Now THAT would be an inappropriate question. Unless Ashlee was working with R. Kelly..... MTV has the interview.

Donatella says that Halle's baby is gonna be a knockout

If there's one thing you can be sure Donatella's an expert on, it's beauty. I mean look at her. Isn't she stunning? Her tangerine-colored skin, her yanked and cranked chiclet-sized teeth, that sexy throaty voice. Everything about Donatella Versace screams : attractive, classy, beauty and grace. Yeah. I'll take my leave of bizarro world now.

According to reports, Donatella said that Halle's baby girl, Nahla Ariela, is going to be "fantastic looking." Damn, why do people put pressure on these babies? FIrst, Shiloh now Nahla. The offspring of two attractive people don't always come out, well, attractive. See Rumer Willis, if you don't believe me. On a sidenote, Halle apparently is not interested in selling photographs of her daughter to the gossip rags. Kudos to her. I think it's a trend that's fast becoming tacky. Showbiz Banana! has the story.

Halle Berry gives birth to a lil' girl

Yet another celeb baby was born at Cedars-Sinai hospital in L.A. They must have a celebrity offspring ward over there. AP has the video.