Bark + Bite

Ciara is the weird kid no one wants to sit with

The music business is a lot like a high school cafeteria at times. Both have their respective cliques. There are the bullies (see 50 Cent), the ladies men (Trey Songz and Drake), the pretty girls (Beyonce, Rihanna), the weird kids (Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert) and there’s also that one guy who seems like he’s way older than everyone but just too damn cool that no one ever says anything (that would be Jay-Z). It’s inevitable that there is one kid, who try as they might, can’t get that often coveted spot at the popular table. 

Right now, the entertainment equivalent of this high school character is none other than Ciara. She’s just about covered all the attention getting basics: Cutting her hair, performing everywhere but the opening of a funeral home and trying to keep up with the trends no matter how played they are. She’s taken the "kitchen sink" approach regaining her relevancy. She even crowed about her pre-taped Chevy commercial with N.E.R.D. at this year’s VMAs, pretending that it was a "performance" at the VMAs. Call her Ms. Fantastic cause homegirl is stretching and reaching on an extraordinary level.

Sign of the times: Soulja Boy, a published author?

Hide your kids, hide your wives and hide your husbands, cause they givin' e'rybody a book deal out here. Books about celebrities can be compelling reads, but as Sherri Shepherd's deadly but potent satirical reading of Destiny's Child's autobiography "Soul Survivors" proved, celebrities often don't make for compelling authors. But with 50 Cent having released a book on business and teen pop star Justin Bieber gearing up to publish what was once touted as a "memoir," writing a book appears to be the new pop star perfume line. Boy, this stinks.

DeAndre — who was recently accused of being a cocaine-user in a scandalous video by the new Supahead, Kat Stacks — told MTV News that his upcoming book would be released in conjunction with his upcoming album. No word on who the co-author is for the book, but you know there will most certainly be one as Soulja Boy's grasp on the English language is about as firm as Ke$ha's grip on the benefits of sobriety and hygiene.

"It talks about me making my first million dollars at 17 years old," Soulja Boy explained. "I talk about how my life changed. It talks about the music industry, everything I learned about the music industry — how I got into the music industry with my mind set, all the ins and outs that I go through. All the chapters break down my beliefs and what steps and methods I took to get in this position. I just go and break [them] down into detail. I just want all my fans to read it when my album drops and have a good read and feel where I'm coming from," Soulja Boy said. (Source: MTV.com)

On the one hand, it's great that Soulja Boy's book might encourage kids to read. On the other hand, they might be better off not reading than reading a book about Soulja Boy's life, as far as mental stimulation and growth goes. Anyone wanna place bets on how many pages this livro will be? Our bet is on 150 pages or less.

Nicki Minaj inspires everyone to be great

You know you're kind of a big deal when Kanye West is going on the radio calling you, literally, the next best thing in hip hop. And Kanye's not the only cheerleader out there singing the praises of Nicki Minaj. Lil' Kim might be the loudest bitter grapefruit in the fruit basket, but plenty of other folks have tasted Nicki's forbidden fruit and welcomed her sweet poison into their lives.

Nicki Minaj has built a dedicated, strong-willed, vocal following not unsimilar to Lady Gaga's fans, better known as little monsters. They mimic her raps, imitate her contorted facial expressions and love trying out her 101 voices and accents. And YouTube is a treasure trove of this material as many fans are eager to share their stan behavior with the world. Just like Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj has the power to bring red states and blue states together. Love and affection for Nicki Minaj knows no color, weight, shape or education level. All you need is an open mind and propensity for horseplay. But this one takes the cake.

Meet Thablizzit. A self-described country boy and Janet Jackson, Rihanna and Nicki Minaj stan, Thablizzit (who also goes by Josh Mysterius) is unafraid to go there. And by there, that means really awkward and uncomfortable places, like his living room (complete with Support Our Troops signs on the wall) which he transforms into an low-budget rap video featuring his "traditionally-shaped" mother as a back-up dancer. Come get your children, Lord.

You know what? At least mama looked like she was having a ball. You see her throw it back like a pro? That ain't the first hip hop song she's shaken her groove thang to. And if you're ready to fire up a nasty comment slamming Thablizzit for his off-flow and poor lyrical delivery, save it. As he informed one YouTube commenter, "Girl bye, I memorized the lyrics in like 4 takes and wasn't about to make sure it was perfect. NEXT."

Sounds like somebody has been hanging around an awful lot on Black Twitter. Run and tell that, homeboy.

The ghosts of wack music past

Pop music, much like everything else in life, moves in cycles. In a flash an act can come out of nowhere and have the whole music world abuzz with news of this amazing new talent. Overnight, they're all over radio and the top headline on every major music outlet. All is good until those precious 15 minutes runs out. It may sound brutal, but once the public is over it, they are over it. In the end, even once loyal fans will refuse to admit they ever listened to some artists faithfully.

Boy bands are the most identifiable form of this syndrome. Just ask any teenage girl who has obsessed over boy band juggernauts like the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC. (Let's not even bother with the far lesser ones like LFO or O-Town) And Milli Vanilli fans are few and far between these days. Often, it takes years for people to find out the music they once cherished was a bad idea. Maybe even a terrible one.

Camp Kiely marches onward on YouTube, attacks ex-pal Adrienne

Give Kiely Williams credit. For a girl without a major deal, she's getting every inch of press she can out of that "Spectacular" video, which itself looks like it was shot on a shoestring budget. And now that she's grabbed our attention, she's only gonna turn the heat up.

In a follow-up to Kiely's YouTube fireside chat, her sister/manager Tse Williams (pronounced Tee-se) decides to take commenters and the music industry to task. In her 8-minute plus rant, Kiely's SisManager calls Kiely's critics hypocrites. Oh, that's a new one. She then proceeds to blast all the alleged whores in pop culture, including "Jersey Shore" sweetheart Snooki, and Disney stars who purposely leak nude photos of themselves in a bid for attention. Uh oh, was that a hit at Vanessa Hudgens?

The question didn't linger in the air for long as an interview with VIBE.com came out yesterday in which Kiely hung her longtime ex-3LW and Cheetah Girl bandmate, Adrienne Bailon, out to dry for leaking her nude pictures on purpose.

What was your reaction to Adrienne's photo leak?

To be honest, it was heartbreaking that the Cheetah Girls had to be remembered with such a dark, tacky stain on our final tour, something that we had worked very, very hard for. And it was really upsetting to have to walk out in front of these young girls to say ‘Hey, she’s got naked pictures, oops, I don’t know how it happened,’ But I said goodbye to Disney over a year ago. The ship has sailed. I’m not gonna live the rest of my life with Mickey Mouse ears on.

So it appears that Kiely and her SisManager don't a give hoot about whose toes they step on in Hollywood at this point. And who can blame them? Kardashian money be damned, right now they're a PR marketing machine running on nickels and dimes. But Tse is up front in her YouTube video when she states that though the video has sparked the desired amount of controversy, it's yet to turn into big coinage for Kiely and her team. Don't fret though, maybe all of this will lead to a VH1 reality show or at least an appearance (with a live performance of "Spectacular"!) on "The Mo'Nique Show." The music industry just won't ever be the same now that YouTube and the internet are in the mix.

Kiely Williams goes from Cheetah Girl to Pussycat

It's that time of year again and there's a distinct scent in the air. No, it's not the smell of spring. It's the smell of desperation and thirst as yet another former Disney star, Kiely Williams of The Cheetah Girls, turns trick for a music career.

In a way, Britney Spears sort of wrote the playbook on this for these girls. But looking back at her work, Britney gradually turned up the heat and she actually, despite popular opinion, had the talent to back up what she was doing. Kiely, on the other hand, isn't so fortunate.

Crap. Ke$ha has officially made it, the paparazzi are keeping tabs on her now

With celebrity, there are usually two ways to know that you've finally arrived: Rumors begin to swirl about your sexuality/gender or the paparazzi begin to trail your every move. Ke$ha came out ahead of the sexuality rumors by announcing herself as a bisexual (big whoop, what female celebrity isn't these days?) so she hurdled that one. But now the paparazzi actually care about what she does in her "normal" life. Meaning Ke$ha will soon be in your issues of US Weekly, People and all the other celeb gossip mags.

The onslaught of Ke$ha's rancid brand of awful is upon us. It's unclear that there's much anyone can do about it but grin, bear it and swallow. A little salt and ketchup on this garbage will help it go down easier.

Watch Ke$ha, looking like she ordered a more than a few of those travel size liquor bottles, as she shows up at the Toronto airport and dashes for her sunglasses when the paps approach.

Ke$ha should've gone ahead and pulled out a paper bag and covered his disheveled head while she was it.

Soulja Boy spits hot fire in so-called $100 Million freestyle

They shoulda never gave y'all bammas money. Money has made many a rapper act a damn fool. MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Tupac and the Game are prime examples of how money can make an idiot become even more idiotic, leaving the rapper either dead, broke or left out in the cold. Soulja Boy is an idiot. Albeit an idiot who has made MILLIONS from songs about supermanning hos, kissing through the phone and "yaah bitch!" The beats for his songs, which he usually comes up with himself, are Fruity Loops tragedies and the lyrics are so bad they could be thrown on TV for a campaign against childhood illiteracy. And yet time and time again, Soulja Boy's complete lack of substance is rewarded with attention, sales and fans, while talented rappers like Wale struggle to move albums.

In short, the kids love Soulja Boy and Soulja Boy loves the kids. So he breaks them off every once in a while with freestyles. He doesn't say anything worth hearing in them, but since when has that ever stopped anyone from listening to a Soulja Boy song?

Watch and listen to Soulja Boy's "$100 Million freestyle" below.