Bark + Bite

R.Kelly awkwardly forces himself on to Britney's "Till The World Ends"

When R.Kelly hooked up with Britney Spears to produce her almost single "Outrageous" for her 2004 album In The Zone, he was an in-demand songwriter and producer. He'd weathered the backlash of his underage sex scandal by cooking up irresistibly catchy ditties like "Ignition Part 2" and at the time, he was busy producing for people like Nick Cannon, B2K, Ciara, Michael Jackson and Ginuwine.

It was an odd pairing somewhat back then, but it worked. Britney was able to sell R.Kelly's freak song about an "outrageous" sex drive and shopping spree thanks to her naughty but nice persona.

Now, perhaps as the result of an itch for a reunion with the Britser, R.Kelly has unnecessarily jumped on a remix of Britney's latest hit, "Till The World Ends," and it's pretty awful. Like old-uncle-trying-to-do-the-dougie-at-your-graduation-party awkward.

R. Kelly might be able to genre hop between R&B and gospel music but he sure as hell can't touch dance-pop with a ten foot pole. Just because you put autotune on your voice and hop on a boom boom pow beat doesn't mean you're will.i.am. This dance thing ain't for everybody!

Listen to R.Kelly's head-scratching remix to Britney's song below

Can Lauryn Hill stop doing cracked out versions of her hit songs, please?

This is a plea that will probably fall on deaf ears, but here goes nothing: LAURYN HILL, please stop playing your hit songs at 500 BPM. You end up breathless and the music sounds like the equivalent of aural equivalent of mashed potatoes. It's not good. Stop it.

Lauryn Hill has been playing the songs from her lone solo album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill in this speedcore fashion for years now, but it's time to cut the foolishness out. In interviews, Lauryn said she remixed the songs like this to keep things "fresh," but this schtick's expiration date has long since passed.

Lauryn should try chopping and screwing the Miseducation tracks. Heck, she can even go for a polka version of "To Zion." Just stop these spastic, cracked out renditions of the hits. They're an unrecognizable mess. Much like her fashion sense, as of late.

Watch Lauryn Hill's performance of "Doo Wop (That Thing)" on Jimmy Fallon below

Lady Gaga and Patti LaBelle holler into a mic

This happened last week after the CFDA awards in New York City in the Boom Boom Room, but this gem of a video clip is just now making the rounds.

The Siren of Scream, Patti LaBelle, was performing "Over the Rainbow" when she spotted Lady Gaga and hollered for Ms. Germanotta to join her on the mic. Gaga, wearing nothing but a thong, nipple pasties, a sheer body stocking and a turquoise wig, obliged and did her best to keep with the queen of the banshees. Take that, Christina Aguilera.

And this isn't the first time Gaga's wailed with an aging legend. Remember the ear-splitting holler fest that Gaga had with Yoko Ono last year? Yeah, Gaga must be getting in her community service hours with the senior citizens.

Enjoy the hooting and hollering from these two pop divas below

Tupac is alive! Sike

The PBS Newswire recently hosted a story proclaiming Tupac Shakur was alive, well and living in New Zealand according to the diary of a local villager, David File, who was killed in a drive-by-shooting by local thugs.

The story was a complete farce.

Apparently, the network home of Seasame Street angered a group of internet thugs who took it upon themselves to bring the rapper back to life after being disappointed by the recently aired PBS documentary, WikiSecrets.

Lulzsec, the hackers responsible, posted on the online clipboard pastebin that they were “less than impressed” by the documentary which delved into the life of Bradley Manning, the army intelligence analyst who is allegedly responsible for handing over information to WikiLeaks, and took their anger out on the website by posting a made-up, albeit entertaining and well-thought out, story about the slain rapper.

They even went so far as to say Biggie was over there living it up as well.

Well played, sirs.

Snooki and Drake have an awkwardly flirtatious conversation in front of his mom

Drake is an admitted mama's boy, but he proved that he's really comfortable around his mother when he and Snooki flirted bluntly in front of the mother of Drizzy, who coincidentally is about the same height as lil' Snooki.

After oohing and ahhing over each other on the Grammy red carpet at Sway's prompting, Drake introduced the Jersey Shore star to his mother, Sandi Graham. But Drake and Snooki didn't turn down the raunch factor just cause his mama was around. Drake slyly quipped, "Does that turn you on?" to the 4'9" reality star.

Snooki didn't miss a beat and played right along while Drake's mother tried her best to fade into the background. The question that really blew the whole thing out of the water? Snooki curiously asking Drake, "Did you smoosh (have sex with) Rihanna?" Oh that Snooki. She has such a way with words.

That invasive question is the one that finally got Drake a little bashful and self-conscious, for some reason. Guess that means it might be true?

Watch Snooki and Drake's hilariously awkward red carpet moment below

Kelis is the woman in the iron mask

Whitney Houston might not like it, but today's artists are all about playing dress up. Kelis played two gigs at the Winter Music Conference in Miami this weekend and she donned an iron mask for the world premiere of DJ/Producer Benny Benassi's new track "Spaceship," which features her and the Black Eyed Peas' apl.de.ap. There's a low resolution version of the song available on YouTube that you can hear here. 

The iron mask has recently been worn by will.i.am at the Grammys and on tour, so perhaps she was directly inspired, since the two have collaborated for her new album. For those who wonder why Kelis is into the peculiar wardrobe in the first place, Kelis said in an interview with Popbytes.com that she's no longer interested in being pretty, because pretty is boring. So far, mission accomplished.

Her other gig was at the Belvedere Music Lounge where she performed tracks from her upcoming album "Flesh Tone." The two songs, "22nd Century" and "4th of July," are both dizzying, galatic numbers that find Kelis playing with an alien/space sound that befit someone with her "out there" persona. The track "4th of July" in particular, draws on Kelis' strengths, featuring vocals that are full of pain, desire and longing that can only come from a woman who's loved and lost many times before: "Nothing I'll ever say or do, will be as good as loving you." But don't get your hopes up, Nas. Kelis is probably just venting. 

While the futuristic/dance sound works for Kelis, it is becoming a bit crowded in 3008 with the Black Eyed Peas firmly planted there, Lady Gaga passing through when she's not dabbling in horror themes and Christina Aguilera gearing up to release a futuristic album in June.

Watch Kelis perform her two new tracks at the Winter Music Conference below.

Bonnie Pointer unleashes a big ol' bag of crazy

Where in the world has Bonnie Pointer been all of our lives and why doesn't she have a BET or VH1 reality show? Bonnie Pointer was an original member of the famous 70s/80s disco/funk group The Pointer Sisters, best known for their hits like "Jump (For My Love)," but she split from the group early on, carving out a solo career. Unfortunately, she hasn't released an album since 1984. 

From time to time though, she reunites with the remaining members of the group to collect some checks. While donning a tangled, Kool-Aid red wig and a dizzying set of crazy eyes, Bonnie Pointer rambled incoherently at the Multicultural Motion Picture Association Awards and treated the world to a snippet of her new song "Drop Those Pants." It's like Gen. Larry Platt and Frankie Lyons rolled into one glorious, bleating goat. The whole thing is reality TV gold just waiting to be unearthed.

Watch Bonnie Pointer let loose below.

Kelis and her gray mullet step into the world of Tron

Is Kelis sending a smoke signal to Disney in a bid for a part in the update of "Tron"? Kelis and her head-turning mullet and septum piercing dangle along for the ride this just-released photo, which is in support of her new album. The glow-in-the-dark picture was posted on her official Facebook page and is a shot from her photo shoot with British photographer Rankin.

Clearly, unlike "Kelis Was Here" and "Tasty", Kelis is going for something that is the complete opposite of "pretty." The rugged, butch, gray mullet is aggressive and unfeminine. And the septum piercing conjures up images of a wild bull. It's as if Kelis is desperate to make herself something other than human. Maybe the divorce from Nas has left her a changed woman. 

Really, the physical oddities wouldn't matter much if the music were able to stand on its own. But judging by the mediocrity of her tepid techno single "Acapella," Kelis is gonna need a magical unicorn costume of epic proportions to distract from her weak music. Would somebody book her some studio time with the Neptunes and get her back on track, please?