Bark + Bite

Better off with Payless: J.Lo's 'Louboutins' not generating much heat

Poor, Jennifer Lopez. Coitada. How many first singles does she have to throw out before people on iTunes, radio and Twitter will give her the time of day? After the Lola alter ego and its "buzz" single "Fresh Out the Oven" flopped harder than Aretha Franklin's cleavage once the iron bra comes undone, J.Lo launched her REAL single at the American Music Awards, performing the song live with a boxing motif. She also fell squarely on her ass during the performance. Maybe it was an omen. The song was dead on arrival at radio and it hasn't even been released digitally on iTunes.

Here are 4 reasons why J.Lo's 'Louboutins' single has failed to take off:

1. Label whoring as the centerpiece of a pop song is so 2000 and late. In the last decade, it was all the rage to center your songs around not-so-cleverly-placed product placements. We "passed the courvoisier" with Busta Rhymes and stomped with Nelly in his "Air Force Ones" but few seem interested in doing "I-don't-need-u-no-mo" walk-off in Louboutins. Sorry, Jenny, you're tardy for the party.

2. It's the economy, stupid. With unemployment at 10 percent and luxury sales crumbling right before retailers' eyes, this really wasn't the time to release a song touting high-end fashion excess. If J.Lo had hollered at Payless or Walmart maybe more ladies could've related. And bragging about your luxury items in this climate seems about as PR-friendly as three automotive CEOs taking a private jet to Washington DC to ask for billions of dollars in bailout money.

3. That hook is weak. And by weak that doesn't mean it doesn't get stuck in your head. It employs the same propaganda-like repetition technique of the makers of "Head On," but repeating "I'm throwing on my Louboutins" 20 times a strong chorus does not make. The-Dream and Tricky coulda done better than that.

4. The milk's gone sour. It's incredibly ageist to say this, but maybe J.Lo should just retire from the music biz. Let's face it, given her vocal abilities, she's gotten way more than what she should have out of the music industry. And a 40-year-old mother of two competing with the likes of Rihanna, Beyonce and Britney for "I'm so through with you, boo" songs seems desperate. And maybe, just maybe, the lack of vocal ability is catching up to her. After all, if Cassie is struggling to land a hit, how is her older counterpart supposed to fare?

After leaving The Inc., Ashanti has a lot more time to hang out on the stoop

Ashanti has seen better days. The singer, most known for her Notorious B.I.G-sampling hit "Foolish," recently cut ties with her label The Inc. Like Ashanti, The Inc. (formerly known as Murda Inc.) is a fragile shell of its former self. Irv Gotti, a delusional, self-obsessed svengali of sorts, has been at the reigns of the label and its former crew of all-stars, Ashanti, Ja Rule and Lloyd, since the label's inception. But the ties that bond appear to be fraying. Lloyd and Ashanti have officially split from Irv and The Inc. and reports are circulating that Ja has split too, leaving Irv Gotti with the undeniable, irresistible, awe-inspiring talent of Vanessa Carlton on his label. Marlon Wayans must be delighted.

Ashanti's last studio album, 2008's "The Declaration," had more false starts than a track meet. Single after single failed to garner much buzz, until "The Way That I Love You" managed to grab some airtime. But that mild success couldn't pull in listeners for the long haul and the album debuted at #6 with 86,000 copies sold. Following the embarrassing failure of "The Declaration," Ashanti hightailed it to off-Broadway, landing a role in "The Wiz" and that's where she's remained since.

WNBC's program "Talk Stoop" caught up with Ashanti and asked her about fame, music and celebrity.

Does Mario have a plan B?

It's a brave new world out there in the music industry and these days, having a hit single doesn't translate into massive album sales. Not in an age where singles can be snatched up for $.99 or $1.29 on iTunes. The ol' venus fly trap tactic that the record companies used to employ, by holding the hot single hostage in order to force music lovers to buy the whole album, doesn't work anymore. We are now witnessing artists with successful hit singles who are struggling to even break 100,000 copies sold. Take Flo Rida and Sean Kingston, for example. Both artists had massive hit singles, ("Right Round" and "Fire Burning" respectively) and yet both are pulling in album sales figures that look more like Skee Lo's.

Kingston has sold 30,247 copies of his new album Tomorrow, while Flo Rida is in the 200,000 range for his album R.O.O.T.S. Flo Rida's lackluster performance is especially troubling since his lead single "Right Round" was number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for six consecutive weeks. Then again, the single sold 2 million copies on iTunes. The reality is, people already got what they wanted from him.

Mario in the video for his second single "Thinkin' About You," shot in London.

Mario, sadly, is finding himself a new member of the HSDA (Hot song, dead album) club, along with Flo  Rida and Sean Kingston. Mario's "Break Up," featuring the rent-a-rapper of the moment Gucci Mane, was a modest hit peaking at #14 on the Billboard Hot 100. But when Mario released his fourth studio album, D.N.A., on Oct. 13th, it was met with tepid reception debuting at #9 and selling 31,519 copies. And sadly it doesn't look like things are warming up: The album to date has sold 43,385 copies and a second single, "Thinkin' About You," has already been serviced. If things keep up at this pace, Mario won't even break 100,000.

This dismal performance means two things are likely to happen for Mario in the near future:

A) Mario will soon begin to complain that his record label failed to set up his record properly, squabbling between the artist and the label will ensue and then there'll be a split. Mario will say he parted ways with his label amicably and the label quietly spread that he was dropped due to lackluster performance.

B) If the label is feeling REALLY generous, Mario will hit the studio and re-record some new songs and re-release the album in hopes of salvaging the project. The lead single will feature Lil' Wayne and/or Drake.

There is the possibility that Mario has some plan B that no one knows about. Perhaps he'll pull a JC Chasez and just leave the music thing alone and land a hosting gig. "So You Think You Can Dance" needs a new judge, right?

Ja Rule: One man's trash is another man's treasure

If you're one of those loyal, faithful Murda Inc. fans, (holla! to all ten of you) then this might not be news to you. But to the rest of the world here's an update: No, Ja Rule is not living underneath a highway overpass humming "Rainy Dayz" and the "I'm Real (Remix)" to himself. Having found little warm reception to his last few musical efforts, Jeffrey Atkins has packed up and taken his dog and pony show all the way down to Brazil. Apparently, the Brazilians are quite fond of the thug midget and his Ruff McGruff voice. The photo above was posted on Twitter by a Brazilian fan. I guess beauty, or in this case, TALENT, really is in the eye (and ears) of the beholder.

While Ja could probably make good money just playing his old material down there in Rio de Janeiro, he actually managed to find himself a Brazilian Ashanti named Wanessa. (It's pronounced Vanessa. Brazilians like to get creative with spelling names.) The two even cobbled together an Ashanti and Ja Rule-esque collabo called "Fly," which finds Ja Rule pairing his signature thug lovin' flow with a rhythmically-challenged, leggy, light-voiced female singer. The tried and tested formula sort of works, except this time the lyrics are sung in Portuguese-accented English by a woman who looks like Heidi Klum and Gisele's cousin. (I suppose Ja wasn't up for scouting out for raw talent in the favelas. Murda Inc. ain't THAT hood.)

Wanessa and Ja recently performed their duet on the MTV Brazil version of the VMAs and the audience ate it up, even though Ja and Wanessa pretty much just awkwardly wandered around the stage for about 4 minutes.

Michelle Williams: Destiny's Stepchild

God bless her. Michelle Williams is the epitome of persistence, patience and perseverance. If Kelly Rowland is known as Beyonce's shadow in her solo career, at least she's known. Michelle Williams has enjoyed (or suffered) anonymity since Destiny's Child split up. She released her first solo pop music album, Unexpected, in 2008 to lackluster reviews and an even more lackluster response: It sold 14,000 copies in its debut week. Coitada.

In an interview with the BBC, Michelle Williams was frank about the flop she suffered and how frustrating it can be to constantly be measured against Beyonce.

Q: Were you disappointed it didn't do well in the charts?

A: Very disappointed because I don't go in the studio for my health.

I felt like I was ready to go, it seemed like it was doing well at first. So I understand you cannot depend on your label and your management for 100% backing.

I know there were things that I had to do, or could have done, that maybe I didn't do as well - maybe I didn't have a good enough internet presence. Sometimes artists have to market themselves now.

I'm still disappointed, but I was like, 'if God can give me an ounce of what you give others then I would be okay'. I don't ask for much. I gave out good music - that's enough.

Ciara can't remember the name of her favorite Michael Jackson song

I know Ciara's a little young (she was born in 1985) but for someone who claims that Michael was her INSPIRATION, and as someone who shed tears during a press conference over his influence in her life, it sure is odd that she can't remember the name of her favorite Michael Jackson song. And something as famous and iconic as "Billie Jean" at that! How the hell do you not remember the song "Billie Jean"?? It's not like someone asked her to name the collaboration between Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy, "What's Up With You." Ciara, your MJ standom is being called into question.

Watch Ciara have a brain fart around 57 seconds in the video and listen to other stars reflect on their favorite MJ songs as they talk to TV Guide.

Maybe we should just chalk it up to Ciara having a tough year. She released 30 "first singles," gyrated her crotch and bent over for JT in "Love, Sex and Magic" and is still struggling with her latest project. At this point, I'm sure Ciara can barely remember the names of her own songs.

Scott Storch fell off the tracks cause of cocaine

Hot damn. Coitado. Scott Storch, who was a rising star in music production, has fallen on hard times in the past three years. The man who produced Terror Squad's summer anthem "Lean Back" in 2004, and co-produced hits for Justin Timberlake with Timbaland, fell off the map and began to live a Scarface-like life. Storch irresponsibily spent lavishly on cars, clothes and other luxury items and began producing music for....Paris Hilton. We should've known it was cocaine when he agreed to produce that catastrophic collection of cat purrs and howls. Or maybe we should've known he was drugs when he decided to date Lil' Kim.

Scott on his lavish spending: (Source: MTV News)

"The cost of the drug didn't effect my life," Storch weighed in. "It was the poor decisions I made, that were so poor financially, that caused me to go into this situation where I was forced to change my lifestyle ... forced to change a lot of things.

"[I had] 15 to 20 cars at all times," he continued." That's not smart. I would take one of 15 half-million-dollar cars I owned and go to the mall and spend that much money. Stupid, stupid stuff. It's like it didn't make a difference. They were ego investments. I would have been great with three or four cars! I didn't need a 117-foot boat."

Whitney Houston is somewhere raising her hand and hollering, "AMEN, BROTHER! TESTIFY!" She's been on the coke train and back. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Somebody throw Ciara a lifeline

Ciara is on single #452,458 and her album still hasn't been released. And this time she's reaching into the Timberlake honeypot hoping and praying for some of his hit-making mojo. Poor, Ciara. Coitada dela.

She's tried very, very, hard to grab y'alls attention but nobody's even farted in her direction. First she tried to grab folks' attention with her "teaser" single "High Price" featuring her familiar partner-in-crime Ludacris. Ci-Ci bragged about having a booty softer than McDonald's hamburger buns in a bid to show how "low" she could go. The youngin's still didn't bite. Then Ciara decided that she needed some of T-Pain's creative juices. Hell, he was able to squeeze a hit out of LIl' Mama after all. He should be able to knock it out of the park with Ciara, right? Wrong. Ciara put on her robo-bikini and ticked, did the splits, put on a sexy secretary costume and dropped down low to the floor in the "Go Girl" video and STILL nobody batted an eye.

Shit. What does a young, black, female singer have to do in this day and age to grab people's attention? Expose her titty on national television?

So then she decided to bite Usher's "Love In This Club" sound, making the female version of his Polow-produced summer slow jam. She even borrowed Jeezy, who also appeared on the Usher track, for the song and AGAIN, Ciara was received with crickets and yawns.

By now, I have to presume that Ciara's label is at their wits end with this chick but they're giving it one more try, and this time they're calling in the big guns: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. Justin threw an demo of his "Magic," Ciara's way and they renamed the song "Love, Sex and Magic." It sounds like a Justin Timberlake song, not a Ciara song, but could it be a hit? Listen.

For Ciara's sake I hope this Hail Mary pass works, cause if not, I have a feeling somebody's going to be sitting outside the venue at the next BET Awards.