Bark + Bite

People who deny Beyonce's pregnancy are the birthers of pop music

Photo: Wireimage

When Beyonce announced her pregnancy in grand fashion at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards, most people were overjoyed with the news. Even though some rudely hoped openly that the baby ends up looking more like Beyonce than her hubby, Jay-Z, the general sentiment toward Beyonce and her unborn child was still one of kindness.

But the dark underbelly of humanity is "showing its ass," as Beyonce said in "Best Thing I Never Had."

A few blogs are perpetuating the rumors that Beyonce is "faking" her pregnancy. Nevermind that there were paparazzi photos of the singer with her obviously pregnant belly exposed in Croatia. Beyonce, some people insist, is definitely not pregnant! Or at least she's not as pregnant as she says she is.

The latest morsel of evidence that the conspiracy theorists have pounced on is a clip of the singer from an interview with the Australian media. They believe that her prosthetic belly "folds" in the clip. No one really has a believable or logical motive as to WHY Beyonce would go through the trouble of wearing a fake belly, but they insist they're right anyway.

Watch the Beyonce birthers' "evidence" below

Rapper Foxy Brown is her own worst enemy

Back in the '90s, female rap had two reigning princesses battling for the crown: Foxy Brown and Lil' Kim. Fast forward to 2011 and both women are aging disgracefully, lacking in talent and woefully deficient in common sense and intelligence.

Foxy Brown has 3 real albums to her name. That's it. Three. To be fair, that's two more than the Lauryn Hill, who is still glorified for her one studio album, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, but then again Foxy's three albums have never approached the quality of Lauryn's one. Although to hear Foxy Brown fans tell it, Broken Silence is one of the most criminally slept on records ever.

Raz B is the lonely boy who keeps crying wolf

A lot is said about the general nature of human beings being somewhat unkind. If it's true, it's only because loose bowels passing as human beings like Raz B have worn people's patience thinner than Naomi Campbell's hairline.

To start with this Jumento Award ceremony, we must first go back and briefly recap why we're even talking about a Raz B in the first place. The young man's claim to fame is serving as the bottom man on the totem pole of black boy band B2k for a few years. The group never reached Backstreet Boys or NSYNC status, but they catered to their niche faithfully.

As it turns out, they were working, to Raz B's surprise, on borrowed time as the group broke up after only two albums. Omarion, who had clearly been groomed for a solo career from the start, struck out on his own. That Omarion has failed to build a real career of his own is a totally different story.

So after B2K splits up, Raz tries to regroup with the other two remaining guys from B2K, J Boog and Lil' Fizz, to keep this thing going. The problem? They discover that he's a little bit off in the head. Like really off. So the whole thing melts down as they're filming their reality TV show and Raz B is left to his own devices. Let's just save ourselves a whole lot of time and say that nothing great came from his attempts at a solo career in music after the failed regroup either.

MC Hammer needs to stop, drop and roll away from this Jay-Z beef

Back in the day, they used to warn MC Hammer not to "hurt 'em." These days, the only person in danger of being injured by Hammer is himself. The man is his own worst enemy and somebody really, probably ought to save him from himself.

The "2 Legit 2 Quit" rapper has decided to go on a suicide bomber mission against Jay-Z after what he perceived to be a "diss" in Jay-Z's verse on Kanye West's "So Apalled," in which Jay said that he was so rich that losing $30 million wouldn't hurt him like it hurt Hammer.

Somehow, Hammer took offense at Jay-Z dissing his accounting skills, even though it's public knowledge that Hammer did end up broke as a joke. In a series of tweets in which Hammer deemed Jay "Hell Boy," essentially cashing in on the hyped Satan-worshipping Illuminati noise that has been making its way around the internet in recent years, Hammer vowed he would retaliate. Here is the heat-seeking missile Hammer is aiming straight at Jay-Z.

Fantasia Barrino doesn't know what off the market means

Fantasia Barrino's world has been turned upside down and inside out, thanks to her less than elegant affair with Antwaun Cook, a married man from her homestate of North Carolina. The black blogosphere has been buzzing about Fantasia's un-kosher and unashamedly bird-like creep for months now, but things got hot and heavy this week when Mrs. Cook filed a lawsuit against the American Idol winner blaming her for the dissolution of her marriage to Mr. Cook. Mrs. Cook's most potent piece of evidence? A sex tape. WWSS? (What would Simon Say?)

Yeah, he doesn't think it's a good look either. As news of Mrs. Cook's lawsuit spread and the buzz about a Fantasia sex tape grew, the Idol winner began to lose it. In a reported suicide attempt, Fantasia mixed aspirin with a sleeping aid and ended up smack dab in a hospital. Way to draw even less attention to your self, Tasia.

Now depression and suicide aren't laughing matters, and hopefully Fantasia seeks professional help to assist her in processing and dealing with this whole incident. But that doesn't change the fact that this whole sordid mess is of her own doing. So for getting involved with a married T-Mobile salesman in a state where mistresses can be sued for home wrecking, Fantasia, here's your Jumento award.

Money can't buy you class, T-Pain

T-Pain is the gift that you keep trying to return to the dollar store but always end up walking away with dejectedly back to your house. The 24-year-old father of three is a pissy, irritable ignoramus who wields his newfound wealth like a blunt weapon.

Money, however, can't buy you class, smarts or respect. T-Pain got played badly by Jay-Z and was foolishly accepted the platitudes that Jay's barbs at autotune had nothing to do with him. Yeah, and Lil' Kim really isn't taking shots at Nicki Minaj, she's just directing her rage at all the other female rappers who wear colorful wigs and call themselves a Barbie.

Most recently, the dreaded rapper turnt singer has been ranting and raving about how he will be withholding his album until somebody, anybody expresses interest in buying his singles or his albums. Why the sudden revelation? Because his wretched single "Reverse Cowgirl" went belly up like Rick Ross in the deep section of the pool. If T-Pain were holding his breath for people to buy his music, he'd be passed out and six feet under at this point. No one cares or gives a hoot about a T-Pain song, much less an album. He can name his songs after all the sexual positions he wants, what he's selling people ain't buying. His 15 minutes as a singer are up. It's time to head back behind the boards.

Joe Jackson wants to be the ultimate grinch

Is there a society or organization out there dedicated to awarding thoughtless and cruel parents with the "Evilest Parent of the Year" award? If so, let's nominate Joe Jackson. The latest news from the living cesspool of self-entitlement, greed and jealousy is that he's publicly blaming his own wife, Katherine Jackson, for Michael's death, due to her inability to remedy Michael's prescription drug addiction. And in yet another bid for a hefty payday, Papa Joe is suing AEG Live, the promoters and organizers of Michael's aborted final tour. Joe Jackson clearly wants someone to pay him homage, so here's his Jumento Award.

Jumento Award: Miley Cyrus thinks she's really different

This is what happens when someone is so concerned with riding the "I'm different, I'm unique" train: They become blind to the obvious. In a misguided, mistaken statement to MTV, Miley Cyrus insisted that her music video for her new single "Can't Be Tamed" was unlike "any other music video." Yes, because no other music video has ever seen a pop star dry hump male and female dancers, rock bird feathers or base their storyline around said pop star feeling like a circus freak. Totally breaking new boundaries and dimensions with that one, Miley. Source: MTV.com

"I don't think it looks like any other music video. I think if we would have looked at another music video or listened to another song or looked at a different artist, it could have easily [been influenced]."

Cyrus said she didn't want her video to be a cookie-cutter one, like so many she sees on a daily basis, no matter how good the quality. "I see videos all the time that I'm just like, 'Yeah, it's a great video, but I've seen it before,' " she said.

Who you think you foolin'? The "Can't Be Tamed" video is a very simple addition and multiplication of Lindsay Lohan's "Rumors," Britney Spears entire music video catalogue and some Ke$ha-esque plumage-inspired wardrobe. To quote La Roux, "Been there, done that, messed around." A special effect a video does not make and this is not a "Thriller" by any stretch of the imagination.

Being different is like being a lady: If you have to announce it, then you probably aren't. Go home, Miley.