Bark + Bite

Fantasia Barrino doesn't know what off the market means

Fantasia Barrino's world has been turned upside down and inside out, thanks to her less than elegant affair with Antwaun Cook, a married man from her homestate of North Carolina. The black blogosphere has been buzzing about Fantasia's un-kosher and unashamedly bird-like creep for months now, but things got hot and heavy this week when Mrs. Cook filed a lawsuit against the American Idol winner blaming her for the dissolution of her marriage to Mr. Cook. Mrs. Cook's most potent piece of evidence? A sex tape. WWSS? (What would Simon Say?)

Yeah, he doesn't think it's a good look either. As news of Mrs. Cook's lawsuit spread and the buzz about a Fantasia sex tape grew, the Idol winner began to lose it. In a reported suicide attempt, Fantasia mixed aspirin with a sleeping aid and ended up smack dab in a hospital. Way to draw even less attention to your self, Tasia.

Now depression and suicide aren't laughing matters, and hopefully Fantasia seeks professional help to assist her in processing and dealing with this whole incident. But that doesn't change the fact that this whole sordid mess is of her own doing. So for getting involved with a married T-Mobile salesman in a state where mistresses can be sued for home wrecking, Fantasia, here's your Jumento award.

Money can't buy you class, T-Pain

T-Pain is the gift that you keep trying to return to the dollar store but always end up walking away with dejectedly back to your house. The 24-year-old father of three is a pissy, irritable ignoramus who wields his newfound wealth like a blunt weapon.

Money, however, can't buy you class, smarts or respect. T-Pain got played badly by Jay-Z and was foolishly accepted the platitudes that Jay's barbs at autotune had nothing to do with him. Yeah, and Lil' Kim really isn't taking shots at Nicki Minaj, she's just directing her rage at all the other female rappers who wear colorful wigs and call themselves a Barbie.

Most recently, the dreaded rapper turnt singer has been ranting and raving about how he will be withholding his album until somebody, anybody expresses interest in buying his singles or his albums. Why the sudden revelation? Because his wretched single "Reverse Cowgirl" went belly up like Rick Ross in the deep section of the pool. If T-Pain were holding his breath for people to buy his music, he'd be passed out and six feet under at this point. No one cares or gives a hoot about a T-Pain song, much less an album. He can name his songs after all the sexual positions he wants, what he's selling people ain't buying. His 15 minutes as a singer are up. It's time to head back behind the boards.

Joe Jackson wants to be the ultimate grinch

Is there a society or organization out there dedicated to awarding thoughtless and cruel parents with the "Evilest Parent of the Year" award? If so, let's nominate Joe Jackson. The latest news from the living cesspool of self-entitlement, greed and jealousy is that he's publicly blaming his own wife, Katherine Jackson, for Michael's death, due to her inability to remedy Michael's prescription drug addiction. And in yet another bid for a hefty payday, Papa Joe is suing AEG Live, the promoters and organizers of Michael's aborted final tour. Joe Jackson clearly wants someone to pay him homage, so here's his Jumento Award.

Jumento Award: Miley Cyrus thinks she's really different

This is what happens when someone is so concerned with riding the "I'm different, I'm unique" train: They become blind to the obvious. In a misguided, mistaken statement to MTV, Miley Cyrus insisted that her music video for her new single "Can't Be Tamed" was unlike "any other music video." Yes, because no other music video has ever seen a pop star dry hump male and female dancers, rock bird feathers or base their storyline around said pop star feeling like a circus freak. Totally breaking new boundaries and dimensions with that one, Miley. Source: MTV.com

"I don't think it looks like any other music video. I think if we would have looked at another music video or listened to another song or looked at a different artist, it could have easily [been influenced]."

Cyrus said she didn't want her video to be a cookie-cutter one, like so many she sees on a daily basis, no matter how good the quality. "I see videos all the time that I'm just like, 'Yeah, it's a great video, but I've seen it before,' " she said.

Who you think you foolin'? The "Can't Be Tamed" video is a very simple addition and multiplication of Lindsay Lohan's "Rumors," Britney Spears entire music video catalogue and some Ke$ha-esque plumage-inspired wardrobe. To quote La Roux, "Been there, done that, messed around." A special effect a video does not make and this is not a "Thriller" by any stretch of the imagination.

Being different is like being a lady: If you have to announce it, then you probably aren't. Go home, Miley.

Jumento Award: Nicki Minaj's Barbie Ustream party

Nicki Minaj is the light, the way and the truth but when she got on Ustream to celebrate the release of her new video and single "Massive Attack" with her "Barbz," the elevator didn't make it all the way to the top floor. Wearing a lime green wig, Nicki goofed off with her fans soliciting their phone numbers so she could call them one by one, thank them for their support and scream, "It's Barbie, BITCH!" at the end of the call. How sweet.

But her fans were a bit more revealing than they should've been. And no, this has nothing to do with any lack of clothing, but rather a lack of common sense and self-awareness. While the chat box on the Ustream page exploded with adoration, Nicki struggled to draw conversation out of people who in one minute begged her to call them or they'd die, and in the next minute, sounded like they'd rather be braiding Ke$ha's matted hair than talking on the phone with their idol. 

Nicki called several fans as the night went on and the script sorta went like this: Nicki excitedly announces herself. Fan responds with the level of enthuisasm you'd expect if a bill collector were on the other line: "Oh, hey." Nicki cheerily chirps, "So what are you doing?" The response? A flat "Nuffin'. Watchin' yew on Ustream." Nicki and her assistant Safari were both caught off guard by the lack of enthusiasm of the callers and they repeatedly asked, "Are we interrupting you?" No, these people were interrupted long ago.

Jumento Award: Whitney Houston's bitter rant inside her glass house

Ignore the curiously moist, hair system and the bloated features of Whitney Houston's cat-like face in an interview to promote her (overseas only!) "Nothin' But Love" tour. Compared to the incomprehensible backbiting remarks Whitney made, her unfortunate physical appearance falls to a distant second.

In her interview, Whitney decides to take the pop stars of today down a peg or two, slamming singers who wear "Halloween costumes" as dark and offering pearls of wisdom on being a woman of integrity and dignity. This from the woman who giggled as a story about her husband sticking his hand up her poopchute to relieve her constipation was broadcast on reality television. Such an effin' lady.

Watch the offending interview below.

DMX falls off the horse again, but what you lookin' at?

Fresh new DMX mugshot

Why is everybody always picking on DMX? The beleaguered rapper was arrested yet again for probation violation stemming from alleged use of drugs, according to TMZ. So back to the slammer DMX goes. But don't expect him to go down quietly.

John Mayer lets loose on racist genitals, earning himself a Jumento award

There's sticking your foot in your mouth and then there's gagging on your knee as you shove your entire leg down your throat. John Mayer did the latter in his interview with Playboy which hit the web this week. In his interview, which was rife with douchery and a vomit-inducing lack of self-awareness, John essentially lit a match at a gas station, using the n word, using the f word, announcing his penis as a white supremacist and kissing and telling about his so-called hot and steamy relationship with Jessica Simpson. Suddenly, Chris Brown doesn't seem like such a public relations nightmare.

Here are a few of the choice offending quotes:

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n**ger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My d**k is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke c**k. I’m going to start dating separately from my d**k.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his d**k. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

And those were just the zingers that touched on race. There were also rants about homosexuality and Perez Hilton, "napalm sex" with Jessica Simpson and far too much time spent on masturbation. Congratulations, John, this Jumento award is deservedly yours.

The blogosphere has done a remarkable job taking John to task for his rancid comments. Michael Arceneaux, writer of The Cynical Ones and friend to Bark + Bite, wrote an eviscerating take down of Mayer and his offensive interview. While Jezebel and the site's commenters ate Mayer for lunch. And then there is the onslaught of furious tweets directed at John Mayer's Twitter account, which is still on going. 

All of the intense backlash and scrutiny resulted in the predictable "my bad" mea culpa and John promising to stop trying to be "clever" in the future. If that's Mayer doing clever then his stupid must be a real doozy.

Heidi Montag says she makes music as timeless as 'Thriller,' Michael Jackson spins in his grave

Photo from fOTOGLIF

Heidi Montag is one of two things: Either a brilliant actress who has mastered the art of stunt stupidity, uttering delusional comments that she knows will generate media attention or a genuinely, self-absorbed, out of touch, jumenta (ass) who wouldn't know common sense if she fell into an 8-feet-deep pool of it. The latter seems more likely, but there's always the possibility Heidi has a method to her madness.

And while usually, the blatantly desperate attention-seeking antics of Speidi are harmless, Heidi has gone off the ranch and compared her collection of autotuned, Britney Spears reject songs to Michael Jackson's pop classic, "Thriller." SOURCE: EW.com

EW: Why did it take three years to put this together?

HEIDI MONTAG: Well, I did it independently. If you look back at the superstars throughout history it used to take that long to put albums together. Now it’s more manufactured. I really wanted to take my time, and every song means so much to me. And every song was a true journey. I had to track down the songs myself, because it was just Spencer and I doing it independently. We really took our time with every single process, because we wanted it to be the highest quality possible. I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days, to that kind of sound. It’s timeless music, so whenever it comes out was the right timing.

EW: Do you think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller?

HM: I definitely do. I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller. Every detail was very important to me, because I take this very seriously. Most artists, it’s not their own money, but I’ve actually gone broke putting every dollar I’ve ever made and my heart and soul into this music. For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could. Because this is my money. This is my gamble. This is my chance.

Is Heidi still under the anesthetic haze from her 10-for-1 plastic surgery special? Cause this crap is definitely not of this world.

Baby's new tattoo makes his head look like a dragonball

So this is what you do when you've got money to blow. Baby, aka Birdman, went out and got himself a red star tattooed right on his bald head, making his shiny dome look identical to those mythical dragonballs that Goku and co. used to chase in the Dragonball and Dragonball Z animes.

For this hideous piece of body art, Baby is awarded a Jumento award. Whether it's a salute to Communist China or something for his multiple children to throw marbles at, this tattoo is gaudy, tacky and wholly unnecessary. Much like Baby and Cash Money music.