Bark + Bite

Jumento Award: Nicki Minaj's Barbie Ustream party

Nicki Minaj is the light, the way and the truth but when she got on Ustream to celebrate the release of her new video and single "Massive Attack" with her "Barbz," the elevator didn't make it all the way to the top floor. Wearing a lime green wig, Nicki goofed off with her fans soliciting their phone numbers so she could call them one by one, thank them for their support and scream, "It's Barbie, BITCH!" at the end of the call. How sweet.

But her fans were a bit more revealing than they should've been. And no, this has nothing to do with any lack of clothing, but rather a lack of common sense and self-awareness. While the chat box on the Ustream page exploded with adoration, Nicki struggled to draw conversation out of people who in one minute begged her to call them or they'd die, and in the next minute, sounded like they'd rather be braiding Ke$ha's matted hair than talking on the phone with their idol. 

Nicki called several fans as the night went on and the script sorta went like this: Nicki excitedly announces herself. Fan responds with the level of enthuisasm you'd expect if a bill collector were on the other line: "Oh, hey." Nicki cheerily chirps, "So what are you doing?" The response? A flat "Nuffin'. Watchin' yew on Ustream." Nicki and her assistant Safari were both caught off guard by the lack of enthusiasm of the callers and they repeatedly asked, "Are we interrupting you?" No, these people were interrupted long ago.

Jumento Award: Whitney Houston's bitter rant inside her glass house

Ignore the curiously moist, hair system and the bloated features of Whitney Houston's cat-like face in an interview to promote her (overseas only!) "Nothin' But Love" tour. Compared to the incomprehensible backbiting remarks Whitney made, her unfortunate physical appearance falls to a distant second.

In her interview, Whitney decides to take the pop stars of today down a peg or two, slamming singers who wear "Halloween costumes" as dark and offering pearls of wisdom on being a woman of integrity and dignity. This from the woman who giggled as a story about her husband sticking his hand up her poopchute to relieve her constipation was broadcast on reality television. Such an effin' lady.

Watch the offending interview below.

DMX falls off the horse again, but what you lookin' at?

Fresh new DMX mugshot

Why is everybody always picking on DMX? The beleaguered rapper was arrested yet again for probation violation stemming from alleged use of drugs, according to TMZ. So back to the slammer DMX goes. But don't expect him to go down quietly.

John Mayer lets loose on racist genitals, earning himself a Jumento award

There's sticking your foot in your mouth and then there's gagging on your knee as you shove your entire leg down your throat. John Mayer did the latter in his interview with Playboy which hit the web this week. In his interview, which was rife with douchery and a vomit-inducing lack of self-awareness, John essentially lit a match at a gas station, using the n word, using the f word, announcing his penis as a white supremacist and kissing and telling about his so-called hot and steamy relationship with Jessica Simpson. Suddenly, Chris Brown doesn't seem like such a public relations nightmare.

Here are a few of the choice offending quotes:

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n**ger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My d**k is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke c**k. I’m going to start dating separately from my d**k.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his d**k. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

And those were just the zingers that touched on race. There were also rants about homosexuality and Perez Hilton, "napalm sex" with Jessica Simpson and far too much time spent on masturbation. Congratulations, John, this Jumento award is deservedly yours.

The blogosphere has done a remarkable job taking John to task for his rancid comments. Michael Arceneaux, writer of The Cynical Ones and friend to Bark + Bite, wrote an eviscerating take down of Mayer and his offensive interview. While Jezebel and the site's commenters ate Mayer for lunch. And then there is the onslaught of furious tweets directed at John Mayer's Twitter account, which is still on going. 

All of the intense backlash and scrutiny resulted in the predictable "my bad" mea culpa and John promising to stop trying to be "clever" in the future. If that's Mayer doing clever then his stupid must be a real doozy.

Heidi Montag says she makes music as timeless as 'Thriller,' Michael Jackson spins in his grave

Photo from fOTOGLIF

Heidi Montag is one of two things: Either a brilliant actress who has mastered the art of stunt stupidity, uttering delusional comments that she knows will generate media attention or a genuinely, self-absorbed, out of touch, jumenta (ass) who wouldn't know common sense if she fell into an 8-feet-deep pool of it. The latter seems more likely, but there's always the possibility Heidi has a method to her madness.

And while usually, the blatantly desperate attention-seeking antics of Speidi are harmless, Heidi has gone off the ranch and compared her collection of autotuned, Britney Spears reject songs to Michael Jackson's pop classic, "Thriller." SOURCE: EW.com

EW: Why did it take three years to put this together?

HEIDI MONTAG: Well, I did it independently. If you look back at the superstars throughout history it used to take that long to put albums together. Now it’s more manufactured. I really wanted to take my time, and every song means so much to me. And every song was a true journey. I had to track down the songs myself, because it was just Spencer and I doing it independently. We really took our time with every single process, because we wanted it to be the highest quality possible. I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days, to that kind of sound. It’s timeless music, so whenever it comes out was the right timing.

EW: Do you think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller?

HM: I definitely do. I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller. Every detail was very important to me, because I take this very seriously. Most artists, it’s not their own money, but I’ve actually gone broke putting every dollar I’ve ever made and my heart and soul into this music. For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could. Because this is my money. This is my gamble. This is my chance.

Is Heidi still under the anesthetic haze from her 10-for-1 plastic surgery special? Cause this crap is definitely not of this world.

Baby's new tattoo makes his head look like a dragonball

So this is what you do when you've got money to blow. Baby, aka Birdman, went out and got himself a red star tattooed right on his bald head, making his shiny dome look identical to those mythical dragonballs that Goku and co. used to chase in the Dragonball and Dragonball Z animes.

For this hideous piece of body art, Baby is awarded a Jumento award. Whether it's a salute to Communist China or something for his multiple children to throw marbles at, this tattoo is gaudy, tacky and wholly unnecessary. Much like Baby and Cash Money music.

Sexy Spec from Pretty Ricky wins a Jumento Award

Twitter is putting celebrities in the hot seat left and right. First, Cassie's nekkid pics get tweeted about, then Asher Roth has a "nappy-headed hos" moment and now Spectacular, currently calling himself "Sexy Spec," of the group Pretty Ricky thought he'd deliver a "sexy" treat to his fans on Twitter yesterday morning. So first thing in the morning, this fool recorded a video of himself in red, third world, man panties, dancing to his group's new single "Tipsy In Dis Club." Don't believe me that they're third world man panties? Check out this video of Haitian fisherman fishing in their man panties.

Rohan Marley gets a Jumento award

Meet Rohan Marley, son (one of many) of Bob Marley and super baby daddy to Lauryn Hill's FIVE, yes FIVE, children. Many, including me, view Rohan's "unique" relationship with Lauryn as partially responsible for her downward spiral. Wouldn't having 5 kids with someone who you desperately wanted to show some dedication and commitment to you, especially after you had FIVE of his children, drive you up the wall? Couple that with Lauryn's many other mental issues and her Bob Marley obsession and you've got a recipe for disaster.

The downward spiral of Lauryn Hill is the subject of a new article in People magazine and in the magazine, the writer catches up with Lauryn Hill, living in her mother's house in Jersey, and Rohan Marley.  The article includes this lovely tidbit:

The duo [Lauryn and Rohan] are not married and don't live together, but Marley says they are "spiritually together," though he lists himself as "single" on MySpace.

In other words, he can come through and smash whenever he wants (the two have a 7-month old daughter together), but he's not obligated to her in any way. Damn, homie. I mean, if they had one kid together maybe I could see this, but you got FIVE kids with this woman, just had a baby with her 7 months ago, and the best you can do for this woman is "spiritually together"? And y'all don't even live together? Stop the madness.

You've also gotta love the writer throwing him under the bus with the single status on MySpace though. The Internets will have you caught out there every time. Rohan Marley is a true jumento.