There's no easy way to put this, so let's get straight to the point: The 2012 MTV Video Music Awards sucked. Badly. Real badly.
It's not completely MTV's fault, because it did have to go up against the Democratic National Convention and President Obama. But that's no excuse for what was a night of no surprises, unwarranted rewards and all-around disappointments.
What disappointments, you say? Let's start with the opener, Rihanna. For some godforsaken reason, she has decided that we need one more single from Talk That Talk and she's decided it's gonna be "Cockiness." But the performance she put together for "Cockiness" was nothing but cooch pats and lazy two-steps.
The energy was low for a show opener, and Rihanna's idea of a "surprise" was bringing out A$AP Rocky, who promptly helped himself to a handful of ass. Rihanna seemingly approved; no word on how Chris Brown felt about it though.
The night was supposed to belong to Frank Ocean. After all, he completely cleared his schedule so he could perform at the MTV VMAs. But all we got was a timid, restrained, campside performance of "Thinking About You." Frank is hardly a spectacle kind of performer, but he could've chosen a less sleepy single, like oh, say, "Pyramids" or "Lost." And with all of the shrubbery, low lighting and stage props, Frank looked more like he wanted to disappear than stand out. So Frank's star-making moment was more mehworthy than noteworthy.